heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
