we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
