Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
