Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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