I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
