My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
