So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
