So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
