Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
