I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
