She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
