He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
