i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
