soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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