i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
