How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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