Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
