At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
