His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
