Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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