We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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