the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
drinking out of a sandbucket again
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
