I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
