Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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