my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
