He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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