My room smells like vodka and shame
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
