90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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