Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
