I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize