Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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