Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
