meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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