Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
