I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize