watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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