i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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