and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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