I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
pray to the hookup gods
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
