I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
