he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
