im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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