Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
