Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
