Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Barsexuality is the new black.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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