last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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