btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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