so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
