you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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