im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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