Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
