I wish my penis had an off switch
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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