I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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