Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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