I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
