when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
