I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
