it was like his penis was on wheels.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
