just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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