Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
