Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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