i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
