In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
