I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
